Monday, August 22, 2011

My friends band

Check these guys out and become a fan. Good tunes and great guys. The more fans I earn them the more free stuff I get from them. My adsense account is banned so please hook a brother up.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

I got your meat right here!

     Stupidity abounds!!! Another banner day at AssMart. I can't believe that people don't understand the concept of hamburger. You see, dear reader, I work in the area of the store that sells animal parts for human consumption. They call it the meat department. Today, we ran out of our plastic tubs of hamburger. We still had it in the package known as a chub. A chub, is what you call the plastic tube with metal clamps on the ends. The stuff that rolls of sausage come in. I had customer after customer ask me why we were out of hamburger. Bear in mind at this point I had easily 200 rolls of hamburger on the wall, in the hamburger area no less! I felt the magical emotion I know as hate well up inside of me.
     The questioning continued for several hours. Eventually I started to think about the intelligence of my customers. I have watched them herd themselves into lines for hot items, checkout lines, and even for the ability to use the bathroom. They are all farm animals. I mean really. You don't recognize it as food unless its in a plastic tub. Perhaps we could make it easier and just put a meat trough in front of my area. Then all these fat worthless fucks could eat to their hearts content. Perhaps they should man up and act like the teenage whores who wander through my store and just take their meat in a tube form. don't be afraid of it. It's just a different shape.
     In all seriousness folks, I am not a happy man anymore. I am bitter. I want to see awesome violence inflicted on all of these idiots. My only fear is that I might have to be the one who deals out the punishment. Thanks for listening to me rant.
     As always,
                 Shop Smart, Shop Ass Mart.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Apparently I am a Racist

I love racist jokes. I love most racial slurs as they make me laugh. Being a middle class white guy I really wish there were more slurs toward white folks. I want to be identified as something. I really don't have a heritage that I have found other than hillbilly. This all being said I do not use any of these words at work. Until.......
     I was talking to a coworker in my department. I told him that as the day goes by I would be able to get more of the freight out of the back room but until then I was done with the task. Anyone catch the racism in that line??? Me either. Next thing I know know this fucking guy walks up to me and starts demanding to speak to my manager. I ignored his accent as it had no bearing on the conversation at the time. I asked him what it was concerning as my manager would want to know before walking across the store for something stupid. He said he wanted to complain about my racist comment. I was dumbfounded. I asked what racist comment he was referring to as I had no idea that the white trash cracker (best slur I can think of) had slipped out of me. He proceeded to tell me that he did not appreciate being called a dago. Not sure if that's spelled right but basically he was Italian and dago is a slur towards wops.....dammmit I mean greasers......guineas....fucking Italians. I told him that I didn't even use that word. He said I heard you tell that guy over there that "Once the dagos buy this I can put more out". Thats right. He was right. I sort of said that. I apologized to him for laughing at him at that point. I explained what it was I truly said and he felt like shit. I love being the one on the right side of an argument. Makes me feel awesome. Customer is always right? Fuck the customer. I personally think that the customer is a scheming asshole who thinks that even though our prices are clearly marked that we can barter so they can JEW you down. See what I did there? The discussion of racism has me wanting to see how many I can sneak into a casual conversation.
      I hope this glimpse into the magic that is my job has left you thinking. I am so glad I'm not a desk jockey. I would lose the chance to meet all of these colorful people. You know what? Fuck it. These people are the reason I had a heart attack. High blood pressure is common for dealing with these people.
     Remember dear reader......Shop Smart, Shop Ass Mart.
                              NIGGERS......damn I did it again.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Go Speed Racer Go

    Hi. Welcome to my ranting and raving. This will be used as a place where I can vent. I am irreverent and not very nice. I have a tendency to be an ass. They call me Mister Jigglenuts. Long story, if enough people ask I will write that story one day. For now, lets focus on the daily work I do for a large department store/grocery store.
     I usually do my best to stay professional but when I'm pushed to the edge of sanity I sometimes snap. I'm talking the kind of snap that has led me to quit almost every job I have every worked. Not just the not showing up but the kind of quit that really fucks over the rest of the store. I walk out, make a scene, and usually cost someone else their job too.
     Last night there were 2 girls riding bikes around the store. I don't mean riding them in the toy department only, I mean complete laps. These two stupid cunts were going as fast as the could and were on their third lap when I found out about them. The plan popped into my head and I was ready to perform. I was off work and back to pick up some supplies. I was out of uniform and totally a "civilian". Pushing my cart as fast as I could to the end of the aisle, I made it just in time to walk the cart out in front of one of them, The horror that appeared in the girls eyes was amazing. The color drained from her face and her pink hair. I braced the buggy as she brought the 24 inch bike into the buggy. The next thing I knew she did a flip over the buggy that resembled what happened to Greg Lougainis in the Olympics. Face catching the buggy and then the floor she screamed like she had been beaten with a lead pipe. Truth be told the lead pipe just happened to be shaped like a buggy.
      Management was concerned that I would be outed as an employee and would bring legal action onto the store. I got by with it cause they couldn't do anything to me since I wasn't on the clock. After the Christmas I experienced, I needed to hurt someone for being a dumbass, if it happened to be a retarded 14 year old with hot pink hair so be it.
     I hear someone calling my name. It's my girlfriend. " What are you thinking about?"she asks. I realize at that point that I'm fantasizing about hurting a 14 year old girl. Perhaps I have problems. Perhaps I have been in the retail world for too long. Perhaps fuck you for judging. I still feel like hell from having just got up from my New Years sleepathon. I hope work gets me something better to talk about. Until Next time remember......Shop Smart, Shop Ass Mart.